Animisery – A Blog About Living Miserably with Anime (Among Other Things)

Despite the fact that I am functionally literate and not attracted to my cousins, I spent the better part of my adolescence growing up in the backwoods of the Alabama countryside with a VERY small farm that my family owned. I mean, this thing was pitifully small and extremely ramshackle but we did, for reasons I can’t really parse now, have a few horses. I was allowed to ride and tend to them with supervision and one of the horses, Sugar, was one of the sweetest animals I’ve ever known. Sugar was very doting on children and loved sniffing and licking them. There was also another horse named Big Red who was a tremendous ass (so my dad said) the kicked my elderly grandfather. Horses are complicated creatures.

The point of this foreword is to tell you that I have a history with animals of the equine variety and that I’m now rendered shocked by how they’ve reappeared back into my life as anthropomorphic anime girls. I guess I shouldn’t be too amazed given the trajectory of my life but Umamusume has taken over my life and I have no objections to it.

If you don’t know what Umamusume is, it is a Japanese media franchise that is primarily based around a phone game by CyGames called Umamusume Pretty Derby where you raise and train horse girls to race and do victory idol dances much to the amusement of the crowd who are seemingly accustomed to poorly trained horse dance. It, after what felt like many many many delays, finally was released globally and has dominated my Twitter and Twitch feed as everyone seem to be determined to play and stream the game in mock horror of what they conceive is the latest Japanese cultural travesty. “Horse… girls???” The streamers must say skeptically turning to stare into the camera so their viewers of overstimulated teenagers with more Mountain Dew in their stomach than blood in their veins know that they’re doing this ironically.

If that came off as bitter then that’s great that my writing skills have improved to that degree because I AM BITTER. I’m seeing Umamusume blow up with people who I’ve heard mock the more extreme sides of Japanese subculture and it’s honestly obnoxious to me but I have the rest of my life to be hostile to strangers on the internet who I’ll never meet, I guess. I’ve been playing so much of Umamusume that I think I might have inadvertently become a dolphin as far as gacha game purchases are concerned. I’ve spent around forty dollars in attempts to get superior horse girls and horse girl accessories and I don’t even really mourn the loss. The game is very much a gacha game but the production value in the career and visuals make me forget that this game will drain me of every cent it can if I remove the impulse control from my body. The thing is that I can’t get enough of the little stories of every Umamusume character and I want to see them win if only to get to know them more. They’re not overwhelmingly gifted with deep stories (I want to beat my rival, I want to win because I have to) but they’re charming in how mindlessly fluffy they are. The girls will always swear they’re going to get better with each loss and confess their admiration for you with every victory. The actual game play is oddly addictive as well with each career that you play becomes almost a resource management with risk vs reward game play that keeps me wanting to build my horse girl more and more. There’s a 40 percent chance of failure when I train but I don’t want to lose time by resting which I can just go ahead and boost my speed stat, you know? It’s hard to put down except it actually is because it drains my phone with an insatiable hunger for battery that would be commendable in the American capitalist society I find myself in.

But I haven’t stopped at just the game though! I’m also watching TWO DIFFERENT ANIME dedicated to the unholy fusion of horse and female! I’ve started the PA Works anime Umamusume Pretty Derby from 2018 and, as a part of my last minute seasonals for my podcast, I’ve also begun to watch the newest adaptation Uma Musume Cinderella Gray! They exist as separate entities that minimally tie together and focus on different casts of characters with Cinderella Gray being an adaptation of a manga. Of the two, Cinderella Gray has been the vastly superior show with outstanding animation during the critical moments of the races as well as blending a fun vivacious energy during the humorous school scenes. It’s being handled by CyGames Pictures who were also behind one of my all time hidden gem anime Princess Connect and it shows as Cinderella Gray is also an anime of surprising depths. I barreled through Cinderella Gray in two afternoons and it’s no wonder since the show meshes the desperate intensity of racing and sports with delightful whimsy of these animated horse girls who only seem to strife for victory and nothing more. I recommend it even if you’re not keen on the phone game as it’s actually just a solid anime regardless.

That’s not all though! I also, unfortunately, have a horse girl figure of my own en route as I type this. It’s of one of my favorite girls, Daiwa Scarlet, and it’s so gorgeous and I’m trying to explain to my girlfriend that I did, in fact, need it and it’s really an investment since horse girl trends are only going up up up! What make all this insanity even wilder to me is that all these horse girls who I’m slowly growing to adore more and more are based off real freaking race horses. Daiwa Scarlet? That’s a real horse who had a rivalry with another horse named Vodka who also makes an appearance in the franchise. All of these horses have real world counterparts and Umamusume seemingly takes pieces of their life story to create new, if shallow, dimensions for the characters. There’s the beloved Haru Urara who is based off a horse who lost every single race they were in which translated into a horse girl who keeps a similar tradition. My mind is filled with so much horse nonsense.

I’m knee deep in this franchise at this point and I don’t know how long it’ll keep. I’m prone to bouncing around to a new interest at the slightest provocation as I was once a teenager with more Mountain Dew in my stomach than blood in my veins. The sugar from that time has tainted and rusted away my brain so now I am constantly tasked with finding something ANYTHING else to keep me entertained. Umamusume has been doing a quality enough job so far so hopefully it’ll be a potent enough distraction for the long haul. Season two of Cinderella Gray is on the way and I guess I could watch more of the meh PA Works adaptation. Regardless, I can’t say neigh (OBLIGATORY HORSE PUN) to these girls for now.

Hoof it on over to your podcast platform of choice to listen to my podcast, The Anime Brothers Podcast (episode 201 and beyond), or just keep reading this blog! What are you obsessing over lately? Is it horse girls like me or is it just a nice book you’re reading? I’d love to know so feel free to comment!